wiggin’ out: the bad wigs of lost

yes, i am a deliquent. i have betrayed lost-dom. i’ve spent extended amounts of time away from the island. really, i should be banished.

JUDGE ME, SMOKE MONSTER!

but to make up for my absence and lack of LOST-knowledge for the past two weeks (a lost-hiatus puts us all in a general slump, non?), i would like to present a special series i like to call

THE BAD WIGS OF LOST

now, we know that lost is usually pretty good production-wise. they actually got an old plane and used it in the pilot, for gosh sakes! and yet… there remains the problem of the embarassingly bad wigs that land on our favorite character’s heads during flashbacks. i mean, tell me that i’m not the only one who thought that, in “dead is dead”, charles widmore maybe had a bucket of dryer lint dumped on his head as part of some strange “good riddence!” type ceremony before leaving the island!

okay, maybe that particular thought was exclusive to me, but you KNOW what i’m talking about. to take a page from my dear and oft-mentioned amiga andi, i shall rate the following “best of” worst wigs of lost with the same criteria she uses on her own blog, nacho patrol (slightly modified):

  • Presentation: is the wig aesthetically pleasing? is it packed on a plate that is too small?
  • Quality of toppings: lucious locks or stringy straw?
  • Distribution of toppings: is the hair piled in one place, leaving the rest of the head naked? Is it spread evenly and in layers throughout the head?
  • Price: is it worth it? Is it a rip-off? Flashbacks will on a whole be graded in this category.
  • Overall/Taste: arguably the most important category, is the wig tasty and fulfilling?
  • Now, let’s get to the offensive objects.

    FIRST OFFENDER: JACK SHEPHERD, SEASON 2, EPISODE “MAN OF SCIENCE, MAN OF FAITH”

    party of none

    party of none

  • Presentation: while this moment during the season 2 opener (when jack first met his future wife, sarah) made some sigh wistfully for the days of charlie salinger, effectively, this mess is a bit feminine, non? saturday night fever-ish?
  • Quality of toppings: i think it’s trying a bit too hard. additionally, the hair doesn’t look AT ALL like it’s attached to his head. “yes, sarah, i will save you. ACHOO! OH GOD MY HAIR IS ALL OVER YOU AND YOU CAN’T EVEN MOVE!”
  • Distribution of toppings: i will give this wig some props: the locks are flowing.
  • Price: is it worth it? absolutely not. yes, i know the hair was meant for all of us to know that it was a flashback, but… seriously? plus, this bad boy loses major points on the belivability scale. jack shepherd doesn’t have time for mousse– he’s too busy FIXING EVERYTHING. ::eye roll::
  • Overall/Taste: FAIL, jack shepherd. you may be a man of faith, but i think you should get yourself to a man of scissors immediately. trust me, i’ve seen you without this kind of hair in the future — it works out.
  • SECOND OFFENDER: RICHARD ALPERT, SEASON 3, EPISODE “THE MAN BEHIND THE CURTAIN”

    anOTHER hair option would have been better

    anOTHER hair option would have been better

  • Presentation: oh, god, richard. you went through a phase, didn’t you? originally when we saw you like this, maybe we were being lead to believe that the others were actually once dirty, jungle-living peeps. but looking back at “lafleur”, we saw that richard was all clean-cut and timeless (as usual) when talking to goodspeed about his dead compadres. but just a short time earlier, you were a HOT MESS: some grungy, uncombed locks and a shirt that’s seen some things. was there a dramatic change with the others in the time between when ben met first met richard and when he was healed in the temple? SEE, this wig study is actually proving useful.
  • Quality of toppings: ohhh, how oily and strange you look sitting atop captain eyeliner’s skullcap!
  • Distribution of toppings: this is your waterloo, richard wig. uneven length, strange part, dubious forehead attachment. ouch.
  • Price: slightly worth it. it did make me giggle to see mr. dapper look kind of like he had wandered out of a grateful dead concert.
  • Overall/Taste: yeah, lost. you kind of dropped the ball on this one. i mean, you totally should have known that in the future, in the past, you were going to need richard to look semi-consistent. TIME TRAVEL FAIL!
  • THIRD OFFENDER: BENJAMIN LINUS, SEASON 5, EPISODE “DEAD IS DEAD”

    no younger actor available?
  • Presentation: okay, i’m just miffed that this is occurring at all. do i like michael emerson? oh heck yeah. but does anyone really buy that ben is 20 here? absolutely not. obvz the young ben casting worked out. GET ANOTHER ACTOR FOR GOSH SAKE’S. generallly, while this wig seems to be evenly distributed, it offends my very nature. swoopy side part? really?
  • Quality of toppings: silky and strange. something tells me ben didn’t keep up with folicle maintenence. too busy planning the mass genocide of an entire utopian committee.
  • Distribution of toppings: meh. still caught up that they tried to age him down like they did.
  • Price: is it worth it? while i am extremely interested to see what the hell ben was up to between his healing time in the temple and his helping the others eradicate the dh, this wig is sort of ruining the whole experience. it’s just too darn silky.
  • Overall/Taste: neither tasty nor fulfilling.
  • FOURTH OFFENDER: CHARLES WIDMORE, SEASON 5, EPISODE “DEAD IS DEAD”

    wid PLEASE NO MORE

    wig (PLEASE NO) more

  • Presentation: while “dead is dead” was excellent in revealing some important mythology about the smoke monster (just like the people’s court — except instead of people’s it’s mysterious non-corporeal black vapor’s), it dropped a big deuce in the wig department. is it possible that he actually looks older here than in 2004? you be the judy.
  • Quality of toppings: ugghhh. dryer lint. glued on in uneven tufts. ugh.
  • Distribution of toppings: see above.
  • Price: is it worth it? yeahhhhh. i was glad to see widmore get the heave-ho from benny boy. yet, it begs the question of how this exile came about. how long was ben “i always have a plan” linus plotting against charlie dubbs? was the removal voted on in other council, or was there an impetus to cause the banishment?
  • Overall/Taste: leaves something to be desired. like eating cardboard but for the eyes.
  • FIFTH “OFFENDER”: DANIEL FARADAY, SEASON 4, EPISODE “THE CONSTANT”

    rats!

  • Presentation: aesthetically pleasing? no. GLORIOUS? yes. unlike jack’s john travolta-esque do, this one is quite believable for me. there is certainly at least one high-level physicist i personally know with flowing locks, so it took me hook, line and sinker.
  • Quality of toppings: then, on the other hand, this is an insane rat’s nest and i am sure things are living in there.
  • Distribution of toppings: ummm…. i just… it’s all over the place.
  • Price: is it worth it? considering that i would rank this in the top 5 lost episodes ever (it came in fourth on the paley center’s poll), yes i should say so. it’s one of those so so so bad it’s so so good moments. hmm tasty.
  • Overall/Taste: good to the last drop of mccutcheon’s.
  • thus concludes this completely indulgent romp into the lost’s bad wiggery. please leave your interpreations of these questionable hairpieces in the comments below.

    namaste.

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    3 Responses to “wiggin’ out: the bad wigs of lost”

    1. nachopatrol Says:

      Nachopatrol appreciates the shout out, though questions the “price” category. Admittedly, taste and distribution (of hair, HA) are quite humorous.

      But honestly, how was John Locke NOT an offender at some point?

    2. eyeoftheisland Says:

      eyeoftheisland sees your question of “price” though would like to point out that many offenses are not worth the hundreds of rodents skinned in their making. AT WHAT PRICE, LOST?!

      john locke is an easy choice. i have a few instances in mind, but was having trouble picking which one. one i had from season 1 was the sixth wig, although next to these other fools, it sort of paled in comparison.

      in short: YOU GIVE ME A SUITABLE JOHN LOCKE WIG, I WILL GIVE YOU GLORY.

    3. nachopatrol Says:

      Okay how about you just have an entire installment on John Locke wigs? Feature each one in all its dead-rodent glory!

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